


Durinsmen - The Psycho Service

by Giligan_Grapes



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Durinsons, dwarves are also crazy, elves are crazy, not to mention humans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 08:05:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3480638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giligan_Grapes/pseuds/Giligan_Grapes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Bard and his barrels are good for; or the one time when The Bargeman, The Burglar and The Durinsmen met on a foggy shore.</p><p>Allusions to Kingsmen - The Secret Service are not coincidental.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Durinsmen - The Psycho Service

**Author's Note:**

> Not to be taken seriously. Have fun!

Bard dreaded the times when he had to pick up the barrels from the shore. If one or two seemed much heavier than the others, he knew King Thranduil again sent him another pleasant gift. He called these barrels “the stuffed ones” and they could not simply enter Laketown – he had to get rid of their contents.

First, he had to drag them aboard, just like the normal ones, and head back to the town. Then the instant he reached deep waters, he had to toss their insides to the lake where they quickly reached the bottom. Sometimes Bard wondered that if the Master were to know how many of these sunken, well, packages gathered on the gritty bed of the lake, then he would just probably impose a tax on these, khm, packages as well. And considering the number of those, Bard would most definitely go bankrupt.

On this very morning, he woke with the unshakeable instinct that another stuffed one would wait for him. Back in the days, his wife used to tell him that he was too pessimistic. It did not help much that she was eaten by sharks a year after. 

Alienating himself from his dark thoughts, he ventured out with his old barge to the mist of the lake. Nevertheless, memories further surged in his mind… oh, when he first set sail with his father! Oh, when he first brought back a daisy for his wife! Oh, when he first practiced archery and accidentally shot an elf in the stomach!

Not so far from the shore, he could observe the barrels grouping in the small bays of the land. Filled with hope, he crossed his fingers to have a day without having to do the dirty work for the Elven king.  He docked the boat and started to approach the barrels, when he heard the most peculiar sounds.

Five times a doorbell rang. Bard span around and registered no one present near or far. Then an owl hooted four times. He furrowed his brow. Then a crow screeched, an orc sneezed, and a dragon scratched an itch.  He did not understand a thing.

But upon turning around, he saw five gentlemen clad in formalwear. Or more precisely, five gentledwarves.

“Who are you?” he shouted in disbelief over what he just experienced.

“I am Thorin” began the middle-aged blue-eyed man with the most authoritive stance out of them all. “And these are my colleagues, Dwalin, Balin, Fili, and Kili. We are the Durinsmen and we are here to inspect a case, sir.” It did not matter how composed he sounded, it was obvious that he held contempt for the bargeman from the first moment.

Dwalin went to study the barrels, while Bard escorted his every step with his eyes. The bargeman could see that his wishes were vain, since there was a clearly occupied barrel accompanying the empty ones. Dwalin grazed its rim with his thick fingers. “Can we have a look on the contents of this, sir?” He asked politely, though he seemed more of a “think hard, hit harder”-type of a person. Bard racked his mind for a sufficient answer, and babbled out.

“Uh, I don’t know, I don’t have the keys for that”

“It doesn’t even have a keyhole.” Thorin assessed coldly.

Bard made a nervous laugh. “Makes it harder to open, right?”

With breaking a jolly smile, Balin said. “No problem, laddie!” and stationed himself beside the barrel, placing his hands on it. Bard and the others watched what followed with sheer amazement.

“I never would have thought a beard could do that!” Fili gasped. Kili sucked on his thumb shyly.

The top of the barrel was finally removed, when a dirty little creature jumped out of it. The Durinsmen tried to grab him, but he succeeded in shoving them away and running towards the boat.

“Just like we assumed! Here we have our suspect!” Thorin exclaimed victoriously before giving chase to his target. Bard decided to roll with the situation and joined Thorin, as that tiny individual just saved him from getting caught in smuggling, khm, packages.

“But who is he?” he questioned.

Thorin impatiently answered. “He is the Burglar”


End file.
